Enneagram type 6 and 9 relationship

Enneagram Type 6: The Loyal Skeptic - Leslie Hershberger

enneagram type 6 and 9 relationship

After people learn their own Enneagram type, the next question I invariably often found with female Type 2 (Helpers) and female Type 6 (Loyalists). “The Nine Keys” includes the Enneagram Relationship Theory for all 9, 1–9, 2–9, 3–9, 4–9, 5–9, 6–9, 7–9, 8–9, 9–9 Then, simply click on the combination of Enneagram types you want to explore, and you'll be taken to that . Someone with the Type 6 Enneagram pattern is a perceptive, loyal, attentive personality with a Sixes identify the problem areas of a relationship. . 1s also have more of an idealistic side than 6s who are part of the 3/6/9 practical triad who.

She does not want to feel like a puppet on strings. An unfree six idealizes safety, and absence of conflict. All in order to avoid being put on the spot, and experience fear. A Questioner will also ask questions because she does in fact avoid being sure. For if she is sure, she can be put on the spot and made accountable. She prefers placing the responsibility on someone else, whome she makes her authority.

In this inner logic, being sure makes you liable to exclusion from the group. It feels like a threat of being left alone. In reality, a six longs to contribute to the group. She wants to be able to stand up for herself and take authority, but her fear holds her back. Sixes look to knowledgeable authorities to guide them, hoping to escape fear, doubt and indecision.

A six may ask all her friends for advice, and then feel even more confused, contrasting all the new information.

She will listen to, and then question, authorities, because this is a way to avoid being the authority herself. Work is the sensitive area for a six. To her, work is a sense of community. More than anything else, she wants to feel she is at the right place, and with the right people. To have found that right place, where she can really flow and pour the best she has into it, is a sixes dream of fulfillment.

And since work is so dear to her, the six has an extra hard time making job decisions. Unfree sixes are very worried what others think of them.

This wanting to be liked is always serving the deep seated need to be safe. Until a six accesses her own power, and finds her limits, she will be very dependent of the approval of others. Her need to be normal, fit in, be like the other kids, is fueled by the longing to belong somewhere, somehow.

A six wants to be safe, and comfortable that is her inner nine child. Sixes also have an eye for quality. This always has to do with being comfortable and safe. They like status, which is also a form of safety seeking. You can hide behind your title or your position, for lack of authentic authority. Communication If you are a six you rely very much on verbal and written communication.

And you believe it can solve most things. You simply do not imagine people would hide things, for you believe everyone wants all cards on the table, like you do. A six tries to have a clear communication with people. If she does not succeed, she thinks she is not being clear enough. And tries to clarify things, communicating more. Sixes dislike vagueness and covering up.

enneagram type 6 and 9 relationship

They want clarity and honesty and that is what they offer. Only when afraid of an angry reaction, will a six bite her tongue. Most sixes feel uncomfortable with things being hidden, covered up or unnatural. Sixes love jobs where they communicate. They love to listen to people, and help them sum up what is important to them. They are out to clarify. Or to clearly convey things that inspire them to others.

A six also loves it when others care about what she is trying to communicate. Clear communication is a sixes idea of a great relationship. If you are a six you like to explore reality.

If you find that your partner in conversation is covering things up, pretending, or just playing with words, you will get bored and not see the point to the conversation. When communication breaks down, it is very stressful to a six.

She needs to find out what happened and make sure all is clear, before she can let it rest. If there is anger, or merely lack of clarity, she cannot really drop the issue.

A six feels more uneasy than most around people who are angry and discontent for reasons that are unclear to her. When a six is afraid in a situation, she will typically lose her ability to communicate clearly.

Which feels like a great loss of power to her. The focus of a six is very here and now, and she will find it difficult to draw on experience in a tense situation. Instead, she may start an investigation based on what she feels here and now and get quite lost in a thinking that confuses her more than it clarifies.

She needs to allow herself to drop down and relax, before she tries to respond. When fear takes over she may experience confusion that may intensify into an experience of black out.

Once she grounds herself the information she needs will again be more accessible. Looking for know how As a head type, sixes rely on ideas to feel safe and capable.

Relationships (Type Combinations) — The Enneagram Institute

A six wants to know how things are. A positive idea or theory that she feels is authentic and will stand the test of time, will make her feel safe and good. Ideas that make her uncertain or that are negative make her afraid.

What mainly makes a six afraid, is the idea that she lacks know how. It is not a realistic knowing that others may know more. Rather, it is a fantasy of know how more substantial than your own, that others supposedly possess.

And a lack of trust in oneself to have enough know how when one needs it. If you are a six you will simply forget that you know. And if a piece of knowledge is not conscious in your mind at a particular moment you do not trust that it is there. You will also see others do things and hear them speak, and think that they know more, or better. Doing new things, a six does not really trust she can do it until she gains some experience that shows her she coped fine.

When that happens she typically forgets all about it and takes it for granted that she knows how, as long as she is performing that particular task with some regularity. But if some time passes, she may actually forget, and again not trust she knows how. When a six gets into worrying because she doubts herself, she can really stress herself out. Generally it is enough for her to calm down that someone tells her with conviction that she does know.

Then the block goes away, and the six starts to remember pieces of trustworthy knowledge. A six also feels pressured to know right away and to be accountable. She hates to feel put on the spot and not be able to explain or clarify things. She will normally take it upon herself to be clearer. Projection; projection is a way of attributing to others things about ourselves that we cannot accept both positive and negative. The Six may see someone else as angry when in fact they are angry themselves.

This allows them to leave the uncertainty in the present moment. They shift into doubting and questioning. This feeds the habitual search for certainty. What to expect if you are in a relationship with a Six: Expect shifts of mood as certainty shifts to doubt and back again.

Spontaneous reassurance, romance, and surprise will work wonders. Sixes identify the problem areas of a relationship. Sixes can attribute their own feelings to others. You can seem to be angry or withholding when its the Six who feels that way. A clear statement of your position is hugely reassuring. Expect challenges with softer emotions which point to their vulnerability and insecurity; offer genuine assurances.

Your Six wants to affect you in relationship. They need to know they have value in your eyes. In return you get enduring loyalty and support. Learning to recognize the patterns of type, accepting them with compassion and learning to relax them brings us to the present moment where life can be experienced more fully.

This pattern can result in withdrawal and eventually in alienation end to the relationship. Positive accomplishment orientation, enthusiasm, hopefulness, efficiency, and material support.

Balance relationship and goal orientations. Moderate shared characteristics of intensity, positivity, fast pace, and active force. Directly express own needs and desires. Work on developing receptive force of simply being present in the moment. Inattention to feelings, excessive focus on work and accomplishments, desire for recognition, and shared focus of wanting approval and constructing a good image.

Support and care, relationship orientation, generosity, positivity, flexibility, and sensitivity to the needs and feelings of others. Balance goal and relationship orientations. Pay attention to own deeper needs and desires. Type 2, the Giver, and Type 4, the Romantic Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Givers try to satisfy the apparently needy Romantics, attempting to fulfill their needs. They can get caught up in the emotions and intensity of Romantics and lose their own sense of separateness.

This cycle could lead to an unraveling of the relationship.


Tendency to overdo helpfulness, desire to keep life up, difficulty with deep and darker feelings, and need for appreciation, approval, and attention.

Intensity, relationship orientation, idealization of what could be, depth of feelings, empathy, and authenticity. Practice steadiness since both types fluctuate emotionally. Work on becoming more self-directed and holding ground, especially in the presence of strong emotions and dissatisfaction. Express own desires and needs. Remind the Romantic of what is positive and present.

Need to feel special, not feeling satisfied or complete resulting in fluctuating emotions, tendency toward self-absorption and amplification of feelings, and difficulty appreciating what is present and positive. Giving and caring quality, positive image, enthusiasm, desire to bring happiness, active forward moving energy, and flexibility.

Work on assisting Givers in referencing to their own needs. Show appreciation and gratitude for the positives in life and for what Givers provide. This relationship is truly an attraction of opposites. However, in wanting more connection and acknowledgement, Givers try to bring Observers forward into feelings and more sustained contact.

Then Givers active energy can feel intrusive, overly emotional, and demanding to Observers, who then contracts and disengages. Angry outbursts, alienation, and even disruption of the relationship can ensue. Tendency to overdo helpfulness and become intrusive and over emotional, need for appreciation, approval and attention, and difficulty sustaining a separate or independent self.

Develop own autonomy or independence and inner life.

enneagram type 6 and 9 relationship

Work on moderating claims for time, energy, and connection. Encourage the Observer to move forward into life and feelings. Positivity and support, open-heartedness, engagement in life, social skills, generosity, and relationship focus. Move into feelings and stay engaged in life. Allow for dependency and nurturance. Thus, while appreciating Givers support and care, Loyal Skeptics may back off from or confront what they experience as too much attention.

A cycle of escalating conflict can result polarizing the situation with the Loyal Skeptic getting accusatory and the Giver getting emotional. Withdrawal can ensue as one or the other or both types attempt to reduce distress. Eventually, this pattern can cause a lasting disruption of the relationship. Tendency to overdo helpfulness, intrusive behavior, need for approval and attention, hidden dependence, and tendency to over influence with emotions.

Questioning mind, healthy skepticism, loyalty, concern for underdogs, analytic skills, warmth, and endurance. Notice and moderate intrusiveness the big forward-moving energyemotional claims, and helpfulness. Practice directness in expressing own needs and desires. Positivity and support, open-heartedness, responsiveness, genuine caring, generosity, and sensitivity to others.

Claim own authority and boundaries. State what actually is needed and desired. Encourage Giver to express own autonomy, needs, and desires. Reduce the tendency to magnify what can go wrong. Type 2, the Giver, and Type 7, the Epicure Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Both types enjoy the strengths they share in common — especially flexibility, friendliness and the love of freedom and the good life.

However, Givers can find Epicures overly self-referencing and self-serving, hence not paying enough attention to the relationship or sufficiently reciprocating in give and take. Givers can then feel neglected and unappreciated and become emotional, demanding, and guilt provoking.

Epicures, on the other hand, can find Givers overly focused on others, intrusive, and too needy of attention. A cycle of ever-increasing conflict can occur as the Epicure, feeling smothered and limited, can respond with escapism and rationalization and the Giver with angry outbursts and emotionality, possibly resulting in alienation and deterioration and even destruction of the relationship.

Disowned needs and desires, preoccupation with relationship and connection, and tendency to become inadvertently emotionally controlling. The many interests and ideas, healthy self-interest, idealism, flexibility, and the shared optimism and quest for happiness Key Tasks for Building and Sustaining Relationship. Develop autonomy the separate or independent self. Work on providing the Epicure with space while maintaining connection.

Express own deeper feelings, needs, and desires. Allow for slowing pace and increasing receptive force. Avoidance of painful feelings, difficulty accepting naturally occurring limits, tendency to avoid emotional commitment, and self-referencing to own interests and ideas. Giving and caring nature, strong relationship focus, generosity, and the shared optimism and quest for happiness Key Tasks for Building and Sustaining Relationship.

Commit to the relationship while asserting boundaries. Allow in feelings and concerns. In turn, the Protector often resists the influence and may react to feeling contained or manipulated with more confrontation and anger. Feeling rejected and devalued, the Giver may withdraw or burst out in anger and emotion. This all can result in a deep rift in the relationship and repeated cycles of uncontained reactivity leading to destruction of the relationship.

Failure to focus on and express own needs, habit of altering to please, desire for attention and approval, intrusiveness, and potentially inadvertent emotionally manipulative behavior designed to soften and modify Protectors. What to Appreciate in Protectors. Power and strength, assertiveness, encouragement and support of desires, zest for life, directness, and protectiveness.

Enneagram types 9 & 4: "spinning out" and relationship difficulties

Practice holding ground, expressing self directly, and claiming own needs. Work at accepting, not changing, the Protector. Develop the separate or independent self. Become aware of and moderate intrusiveness and emotionality that the Protector experiences as controlling. Genuine care, helpfulness and willingness to give, sensitivity regarding feelings and relationships, and positive active energy.

Develop sensitivity to feelings and allow in own vulnerabilities. Manage energy expression and boundaries. Type 2, the Giver, and Type 9, the Mediator Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Givers and Mediators get along well together because they both are sensitive, pleasing, helpful, and accommodating.

But conflict arises when Givers become overly helpful and intrusive in an effort to get Mediators to set priorities, take initiatives, and say what they need even though Givers have great difficulty themselves with experiencing what they need. When this pattern persists, the relationship can deteriorate and even dissolve. Steadiness, patience, genuine care, acceptance of life, empathy, and the tendency to counter active energy with a slower pace and relaxed attitude. Notice and moderate emotions, pace, amount of advice.

Develop and express own separate and independent self. Work at personal priorities and needs and encourage the Mediator to do likewise. Genuine care, helpfulness, empathy, sensitivity regarding feelings, liveliness, and positive active energy. Work on own priorities, personal boundaries, and needs and encourage the Giver to do likewise.

Take responsibility for own part in conflict. Be willing to confront intrusion and over giving. They can live parallel yet supportive lives with each taking on the tasks necessary to function and attain goals. They may even become competitive, experience one another as obstacles in the path of attainment and success, and feel insufficiently recognized.

A cycle of ever-increasing conflict can result when this occurs. Then each can get frustrated, impatient, angry, and distance himself or herself from each other, leading to alienation and distant co-existence or dissolution of the relationship. Inattention to feelings and relationship issues, excessive focus on work and accomplishments, desire for too much recognition, and difficulty slowing pace. What to Appreciate in Other Performers. Notice pace and moderate pace and allow in the receptive force.

Encourage expression of feelings in each other associated with the development of the receptive force. Create time for non-work related activities and simply the relationship. Recognize that love comes from being, not doing.

Performers wanting approval try harder, yet often still disappoint the Romantic who pursues the ideal relationship. This pattern can result in a sustained gulf between them and even lead to dissolution of the relationship.

Idealism, deep feelings, sensitivity to others, creative disposition, and quest for authenticity and depth. Allow self to experience depth of true feelings and more receptive force. Pay attention to and support the relationship. Attention going to what is missing rather than what is present, imbalance regarding feeling versus doing preoccupation with feelings and sometimes inattention to doingdesire for more attention and special treatment, and tendency to become self-centered.

Support for action, sustained effort, optimism, practicality, goal focus, and competence. Stay active and present even when feeling deficient.

Balance the human feeling side of endeavors with action. Acknowledge own sense of wanting more attention and depth. Type 3, the Performer, and Type 5, the Observer Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Performers and Observers support each other in work projects and shared activities. As neither type habitually attends to feelings, they are unlikely to resolve the situation through dialogue and expression of personal feelings. They may become alienated and lonely leading eventually to termination the relationship.

Pressure to move ahead, focus mainly on tasks and goals, impatience with analysis, shared difficulty in expressing personal feelings, and tendency to cut corners. Thoughtful analysis, thinking before doing, dispassion and relative calm under pressure, and undemanding quality.

Allow for periods of inactivity and reflection while encouraging the Observer to stay engaged. Work on shared difficulty in paying attention to feelings. Respect boundaries and different work styles. Notice and moderate the fast go ahead energy and pace. Can-do attitude, accomplishment orientation, competence, engagement in life tasks, showing care through doing and facilitating goals, and enthusiasm.

Practice staying engaged and connected. Encourage Performer to moderate pace and activity level.

enneagram type 6 and 9 relationship

Work on shared difficulty paying attention to feelings. Declare when alone time is needed. Type 3, the Performer, and Type 6, the Loyal Skeptic Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts When sharing a common purpose or goal, Performers and Loyal Skeptics can complement each other well with an action orientation balanced by thoughtful downside analysis.

When Performers push ahead, somewhat blind to potential hazards and what can go wrong, Loyal Skeptics can react with caution and contrary thinking about pitfalls and worst case scenarios.

enneagram type 6 and 9 relationship

A cycle of escalating conflict can take place with the Performer seeing this as putting up obstacles to progress and success, which evokes impatience and a push forward into action. The Loyal Skeptic then can feel unheard and discounted, which increases his or her doubt and mistrust.