4 engulfment abandonment relationship the dance

Why You Feel Either Trapped Or Abandoned In Relationships - mindbodygreen

4 engulfment abandonment relationship the dance

The opposite of abandonment fears is usually the engulfment fear or fear of deep intimacy. Pain does come with love lost or the end of a relationship. . Chelsea said this on January 14, at am | Reply .. community austin ecstatic dance austin polyamory austin poly community austin poly rapist. The article explores the toxic pattern of hot cold, push pull relationships. Find out why the fear of abandonment drives this pattern, the effects and how you. Selves that try to deal with abandonment and engulfment to make it hard for a partner to abandon the relationship, even for a few minutes. abandonment and engulfment issues she or he may end up with as many as four.

4 engulfment abandonment relationship the dance

The opposite partner whose control issues are about trying to avoid being smothered or engulfed we will call "Engul". As a result, Engul with strong engulfment issues becomes agitated about being over-controlled by Aban. This increases the chance that Engul will naturally try to spend even less time with Aban in order to maintain his or her Engul's sense of identity. An Aban partner on the other hand may be inclined to use almost any technique including manipulation to try to force Engul to come closer.

In fact when they are feeling engulfed, people like Engul may feel a form of terror, similar to that of being physically smothered and need to create physical distance to reduce the fear.

People like Engul are usually the product of a family where mother or father or both were either over controlling, or too close and too clingy.

That is why Engul developed inner selves that avoid and resist closeness and intimacy and are also capable of blocking control by Aban. But distancing, avoiding and resisting control is what is going to trigger Aban's childhood fear of being too alone abandonment issues and insecurity about lack of permanency in the relationship powerless and not good enough issues. The result is a toxic cycle of abandonment and engulfment that goes nowhere.

Partner Aban - pursuing, clinging or engulfing inner selves Partner Aban's inner selves are often attracted to people like Engul yet they are the very people have a fear of intimacy and who are triggered into distancing by pursuing behaviour. Partner Aban has constant fears about being abandoned by partner Engul. To help reduce this, Aban has selves that pursue Engul to try to get closer and press him or her for more intimacy.

They also try to control partner Engul, in the belief that the more Engul is under Aban's domination the less Aban will feel alone or afraid of being abandoned. However, control and pressure is just what triggers Engul's childhood fears about being too close engulfment and enmeshment issues and about being too controlled safety and security issues.

Naturally this causes Engul to back away or try to escape the relationship. That is the very reaction that panics Aban who becomes even more needy, clingy, engulfing and smothering.

The Dance of Intimacy

The flip side The cycle is broken from time to time when Engul suddenly notices that Aban has finally given up, has flipped into temporary avoidance emotional anorexia to escape the pain and is no longer around.

Typically Engul in a case like this, then temporarily experiences the pain of abandonment and fearing losing Aban permanently, makes extravagant promises and apologies to get Aban to come back. Engul may even get into a little temporary engulfing. The more vulnerability around any of these areas, the more likely a polarised inner self will come in to try to help.

4 engulfment abandonment relationship the dance

As polarised selves do, each self will suggest widely different solutions. If the same person is struggling with both abandonment and engulfment issues she or he may end up with as many as four different selves pulling in different directions.

The inner selves belonging to the other partner in the relationship then get in on the act, reacting in turn as they are triggered by the changing polarity of the situation.

4 engulfment abandonment relationship the dance

This diagram comes from http: Thanks Cindy and of course Pia Mellody too. Each of these tactics, however, increases the feelings in the other partner of being smothered, engulfed or enmeshed which that person will equate with no longer being loved. That, in turn, raises the chance of the engulfed partner abandoning or leaving the relationship, especially if they have fears of being controlled.

A third group of selves react in other ways when they notice you feel vulnerable Ending the relationship now appears better than a future that seems likely to remain full of repeated pain and vulnerability as a result of being abandoned over and over again.

Abandonment and Engulfment

Escapee Shirley Valentine selves cannot see any justification for being trapped enmeshed any longer in an over controlled or negative relationship and look for ways to get away. They then try to undermine or sabotage whatever the other partner is doing to stop it happening. Each of these tactics actually increases the feelings of vulnerability in the other partner.

The Abandonment-Engulfment-Enmeshment Dance Cycle All this sets up a dysfunctional cycle along the lines shown of the example in the diagram opposite. In fact when they are feeling engulfed, an avoider like A may feel a form of terror, similar to that of being physically smothered. People like A are usually the product of a family where mother or father or both were either over controlling, or too close and too clingy. That is why A developed selves that avoid and resist closeness and intimacy and are capable of blocking control by E.

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But avoiding and resisting control is what is going to trigger E's childhood fear of being too alone abandonment issues and insecurity about lack of permanency in the relationship powerless and not good enough issues. The result is a toxic cycle of abandonment and engulfment that goes nowhere.

Partner E - engulfer or clinging selves Partner E's inner selves are attracted to people like A who have a fear of intimacy and who are triggered into avoiding by clinging behaviour. To help reduce this, E has selves that push A to get closer and press A for more intimacy.

They also try to control partner A, in the belief that the more they are under E's domination the less E will feel alone or afraid of being abandoned. Naturally this causes A to back away or try to escape the relationship.

That is the very reaction that panics E who becomes even more needy, clingy, engulfing and smothering. The Flip Side The cycle is broken from time to time when A suddenly notices that E has finally given up, has gone into temporary avoidance to escape the pain and is no longer around.

4 engulfment abandonment relationship the dance

Typically A in a case like this, then temporarily experiences the pain of abandonment and fearing losing E permanently, makes extravagant promises and apologies to get E to come back.

A may even get into a little temporary engulfing.

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