Meet The Fockers Script - transcript from the screenplay and/or Ben Stiller movie
If your family's circle does indeed join my family's circle, they'll form a chain. I can't have a chink in my chain. Jack Byrnes: We use the Ferber method. Meet the Fockers is a comedy film and a sequel to Meet the Parents I don' t like what I'm seeing from these Fockers. I can't have a chink in my chain. A great memorable quote from the Meet the Fockers movie on dayline.info - Jack Byrnes: Greg, a man reaches a certain age I can't have a chink in my chain.
We hug our son? Let's get down to it. The truth is, you're so concerned about that Little Jack, but I think that it's the Little Jack in you that is crying out for a hug. The Little Jack in me? Jack, you have issues. I'm trying to understand why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest. I mean, were you ever breastfed?
My guess is no. Will you spare my the drugstore pyschology. Everybody just STOP, okay? Jack, I am not going to make any excuses. I went to answer the phone, I was gone for a second, I came back, he let himself out of the playpen, he put on Scarface, and he glued his hands to the rum bottle.
Greg, a man reaches a certain age when he realizes what's truely important. Do you know what that is? Let me put it very simply.
If your family's circle does indeed join my family's circle, they'll form a chain. I can't have a chink in my chain. We use the Ferber method. We use the Focker method. We hugged and kissed that little boy like there was no tomorrow. I'm not so sure this wedding is such a good idea.
I don't like what I'm seeing from these Fockers. Jack, tell me one smart thing the C. I will give you the deed to her house. Central Lack of Intelligence Agency!
I'm not moving, Jack. There's a non-violent way to handle this. No, feel it, Greg. It's very-- It looks very-- Just feel the breast, Greg. Oh, watch the nipple.
It's got a great, lifelike, and a Or what I would imagine Debbie's breast might-- might actually feel like. Not that I would know. Honey, you promised you wouldn't take the boob out in front of company.
It's nothing to be ashamed of. Breast-feeding is perfectly natural. Dad, that's not natural, that's just weird.
As soon as Little Jack's topped off, we're gonna hit the road. Oh, Jack, you can't drive any more tonight. Monroe said no aggravating your sciatica.
Honey, we're on a very precise schedule. We bunk here tonight, we hit horrendous traffic in the morning. Maybe you could drive the night shift.
I could do that. I am the Co-Captain. So, I think that falls under my responsibilities, right? Keep her at stay alert. I've been wanting to get behind the wheel of this big boy. Sorry, got to go.
Robert De Niro: Jack Byrnes
Would you like some company, Greg? If you can't sleep. How about a cappuccino? Oh, you don't have to do that. It's no problem for me. Wake up and make Greg a cappuccino! Shake a leg, woman!
Meet the Fockers Movie Quotes
Jesus, Jack, you know, I'm not that tired. This cockpit's completely soundproofed. You should've seen the look on your face. That was-- That was a good one. But you should never talk to a woman like that, you know that, Greg.
Greg, a man reaches a certain age when he realizes what's truly important. You know what that is? Now, my grandson, Little Jack, is part of that legacy.
In six months, you and Pam are gonna be married. Sometime after that, you'll want to start a family of your own. Actually, on the subject, I had some thoughts about the wedding date. We'll discuss that later, after this weekend, Greg. Now, let's get back on point. Let me put it very simply. If your family circle does indeed join my family circle, they'll form a chain.
I can't have a chink in my chain. I get the metaphor. Now, I've never met your parents, so I'm not going to jump to any hasty conclusions. But, like studying a frozen caveman, if I can see where you came from, I'll have a much better idea of where you're going. A- are you thinking maybe my parents might be like-- like a chink in the chain or A doctor and a lawyer, what's there to worry about? Ooh, it seems very nice. Is that your father? That is my father. What the heck is that contraption?
I thought you guys were flying in tonight. I left a message yesterday We were driving-- Oh, I didn't get a message. I left you like five messages. Will you get over here and plant one on me.
I've been waiting so long to see you. Good to see you. Oh, I missed you. Is this not the most handsome young man you've ever seen in your life? I used to call him a young Jewish Marlon Brando. Can you believe I conceived him with one testicle? I only have one because the other never dropped. It's called an undescending testicle. It's not uncommon, but look at him. Imagine what he would have looked like if I had two. That's a good icebreaker. There's the sexiest second grade teacher I've ever seen in my life.
That was a good one. It gets her every time. It's so nice to meet you. The pleasure is all mine, mon cheri. You got to be the flower man. Jack Byrnes, Pam's father. And I'm Bernard Focker, Gaylord's father, and we're all grownups here and we shake hands like men. Oh, we're just playing here. Give me some love. What're you so shy about? Look at those pecs. You're harder than sheetrock. Now tell me the truth. You work out with weights, right? Well, I do various callisthenics. Some medicine-ball training, I play bimonthly football.
I was just, uh, practicing my Capoeira. The Brazilian martial art of dance fighting. He knows what that is. You know, I've been doing it for weeks.
I'm really into it. It keeps me level. Because sometimes I get wound up so tight, I could just snap. Is there a baby on board? It was all in the message. Hey, Moses, go ahead, say hello to your future in-laws.
No, no, he's harmless. Just shake him off. He likes the shaking. The pink part didn't get on you. Moses, go, get in your basket.
Who's this little guy? This is our grandson, Little Jack. How are you, Little Jack? Hey, Dad, don't-- don't-- don't infantilize him. Just talk to him like a person. What are you talking about? I want to talk to him like he's a baby. When Roz's dad died, I said: Dad, you continue the tour. I'm gonna tell Mom we're here, okay? The upstairs bathroom is on el fritzo. So we're all gonna have to share this one for now.
Since there's a water scarcity on the island, we kind of abide by the ''if it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down'' policy. Forgot my own rule. The RV has paid for itself already.
Let's get your kundalini rising. And now it's time for the ladies to get into the reverse cowgirl position. Guys, you have to lie across the Liberator pad like so. Everyone look at how Ira's doing it. The man is loose, he's limber and he's ready for action. So, climb aboard, girls, and let me hear your bodies talk.
This position is terrific for anyone with osteoporosis, gout or goiter. Stay with me, kids. We have to wrap it up. Remember to take your Liberator pads.
And don't forget to stretch before you try this at home. We don't want anyone shattering a pelvis. Oh, I love you so much. I haven't seen my bubeleh in months. Honey, you feel thin. Mom, how do we explain all these people to the Byrneses? The Byrneses won't know they were here. We agreed to be discreet about you being a sex therapist this weekend until you got to know Jack and Dina better. I put all my toys away. And my office is all ready for them to sleep in. Your father thought they'd be more comfortable down here.
You don't wanna know. Talk to me about something important, honey. How are things with you and Pam? Because, you know, after two years, you have to work to keep things going. Does she still climax regularly? You can't talk that way this weekend, okay? Honey, I'm just saying I didn't raise you to be a so-so lover.
Okay, what is he doing? Don't-- don't worry about them. Mom, Mom, you got to get these people out of here now. Wipe that little gloss off you. You hunt deer, Bernard? No, I hate that thing. Roz's father gave it to us. He was into all that macho-wacho crap. He and I went duck-hunting together. Gay, you went duck-hunting with-- with Jack? We went, we did. We went on a little hunting trip. You shot a duck? I shot at a duck and You killed an innocent creature of the sky?
I think I might've clipped it or And now, for the piece de resistance. Little somethin' I've been workin' on. Mom will be out in a sec. It's the Wall of Gaylord. The Wall of Gaylord?
Isn't it nice to finally display your accomplishments, Son? Honey, look at all your awards. Oh, I didn't know they made ninth place ribbons. Oh, Jack, they got them all the way up to th place.
Anybody want to get a drink by the lagoon? This one looks impressive. We've always tried to instill a sense of self in Gaylord without being too goal-oriented. It's not about winning or losing, it's about passion. We just want him to love what he's doin'. You know what I mean, Jack? I think a competitive drive is the essential key that makes America the only remaining superpower in the world today.
Don't forget the positions. Oh, Thank you, BJ. Ira, remember, easy on the thrusting. What-- What kind of work does your mother do with those patients? Those look like yoga mats. Is there yoga involved? It's sort of, um, a, um, a-- a-- a couples therapy. It's kind of her own sort of-- Rozela!
How are you, baby girl? Look at you, you're glowing! I-- I just can't believe it's taken us this long to meet, huh. And who's this little hairball? They brought their grandson Baby Jack along.
I could eat him up. Bern, did you show them where they're sleeping? Because we don't have any air-conditioning, I made up a nice spot for you in Roz's office 'cause it gets the best breeze, and it's very near the communal commode. Oh, well, you know, actually, we're gonna stay in our motor home.
We sleep under the same roof. Actually, Mom's office is kind of cluttered. So, that-- that works all right. It's just really easier with Little Jack. They wanna sleep in the trailer, let them sleep in the trailer.
Mom, it's not actually-- It's not a trailer. It's kind of like-- It's like a-- like a hotel on wheels. This is practically a hotel. I was gonna do the turndown service-- I know, I know, but it's their choice. Wherever you feel most comfortable is fine.
Bern, let it go. Yeah, let it go. Look at you, sulking. Now, look at this. I married a teenager. At least you have the libido of a teenager.
I gave her a little matinee today-- Oh! How about a double feature? Why don't we go show them the lagoon? Come see the lagoon. We'll get drunk, we'll take a piss in the lagoon. Roz, why don't you take them outside?
I'll make a drink. Hey, Dad-- It's going good so far, right? Dad, you gotta take down that weird shrine thing. But I'm very proud of you, Gaylord. What's wrong with showing it? Most people aren't proud of sixth place ribbons. Since when do you care about most people? I don't, but Jack is really into winning and competition and sports. It's a whole other thing with him. You're a winner up here and in here. And that's all that matters. I don't know what that means, but thank you. So, to solve that problem, I created a life-like latex left breast moulded from his mother's actual left breast, so this way L.
You're avoiding confusion by strapping a boob on a man? Well, yes, believe it or not, it is less confusing because of the texture Mom. Uh, I guess it's very, uh, creative. A little birdie told me that one of our guests here is a Tom Collins man. Oh, for pity's sake.
Isn't that nice, Jack? I want to make a toast. Now, I had a vasectomy in So, unfortunately, I never had the chance to procreate a daughter, but had I been able to, I really would've wanted a girl as sensitive and as intelligent and as beautiful as this young lady sitting right here before us. And if I might add I thought you had a sister?
You said you had a sister. You said you milked your sister's cat. Okay, I'm not done yet. What I'm trying to say is, it's taken far too long to do this, you know, but we're finally all together.
All right, that's enough. Like you have popcorn stuck in the throat. I want to say one more thing about my vasectomy. Honey, get yourself over here. You're so cute, they'll forgive you anything. You are the sexiest woman alive I know. You're just trying to get me back into bed. This is a delicious Tom Collins. What I did, I used real lemon juice. It's from our trees here.
He was squeezing all afternoon. And, Jack, I managed to make some lemon juice, too. Gay, you all right? Well, I think that Roz and Bernie seem like very nice people. A little off-colour, but very nice.
But isn't it wonderful, Jack? After all this build-up, the kids are finally getting married. I feel so happy. I think he just spoke. Little Jack, were you about to speak? Nope, just a little flatulence. What were you saying, honey? Guys, where are you going? We're checking out Jack's macho-wacho trailer. I want to see that boob. Can I talk to you for a sec? Hey, listen, don't let Moses go in there. They have a cat. Moses is perfectly trained-- Dad, he humps everything that moves. Honey, he's like his father.
I never cheated on you. They're not listening to me. They seem to be getting along really well, don't you think? I kind of feel bad that I worried so much.
I'm two weeks late. I'm nauseous, my boobs hurt, and I can smell everything. You're gonna have a baby. Oh, we're gonna have a little baby, a baby. You realize your father is going to kill me? No, no, no, no, no. He's not gonna find out because we're not going to tell him. He's a human lie detector. He lives to sniff out stuff like this. We'll get through this weekend, we'll get through tomorrow. And-- and-- and we'll tell them on Sunday before we go.
We'll tell them all. I just hate the idea of keeping secrets from your dad. It's just one little secret. Welcome to the chateau. No wonder they don't want to sleep in our shit box. Look at this place. I-- I don't think the dog is such a good idea. Moses is more of a lover than a fighter. He's always dreamt of me having a white wedding.
You don't know how upset he's gonna be. No, I do know. Dad, I told you to keep him out of the RV. He said he wanted to see the RV. Get that goddamn dog out of here! Jinx, don't do it. I'm gonna save you! The cat can flush? Get out of the way! What the hell are you doing? I got to get my dog! What about my toilet? So much for the protection of our rolling safe house. Oh, honey, he was trying to save his pet.
I mean, what if it was Jinxy who got flushed into a toilet? Jinx has had extensive aquatic training. He would have known exactly what to do in the event of a submersion. Sorry about the trailer, Jack. There's no way we're not telling him this weekend. That's what I was saying. So, what do you wanna do? I never thought this'd be an issue. I thought we'd be married before we got pregnant. Why don't we move the wedding up to next month? Then we'll tell your dad you got pregnant on the honeymoon.
Oh, my God, yeah, that could work. Just follow my lead. Without further ado, my famous Focker Fondue. Come on, dig in.
Get it while it's hot. That is so impressive, Bernie.
Did you do that yourself? I love to cook. I can't even fry an egg. I'm amazed he finds the time to cook with such a high-powered legal career. I wouldn't exactly call-- Uh-oh! Why did you kick me? I kick-- kicked you because you're being modest and you should tell people that you are a good lawyer, which he is, a- a-and he has fought some really big, important legal battles. Truth is, Jack, when Gay was born, I stopped practicing and became a stay-at-home dad.
Oh, believe me, he won a trial or two in his day. Extremely good trial lawyer. A regular Clarence Darrow. So Roz was the primary breadwinner and you didn't have a job? Honey, come on, you could say he had the hardest job. Oh, he's-- he's just kidding. Why don't we jump into the topic of the hour, hmm, the big Focker-Byrnes wedding.
I know we've been talking about a-- a fall wedding Our former housekeeper, Isabel. You know, she has her own catering business now, isn't that great? And-- and I asked her to come and help Bernie in the kitchen this weekend. You didn't tell me she was here. Gay had a monster crush on her when he was a teenager. I didn't have any monster crush.
You didn't tell me about that. Because it's not true. Then I didn't catch you doing baziga to her passport photo when you were, what,? I walk in the door Oh, there's my baby! I-- I haven't seen you in years. I had a boob job. This is, uh, Dina and Jack Byrnes. Nice to meet you, too. Not yet married, and already a little one? And he is a handsome little Focker. He's not a Focker. And still you stayed to raise her child?
No, he's Pam's nephew. He has no connection to Greg whatsoever. I love you, too. Those aren't for you. I think I'll take him inside. You're a very lucky woman, Pam. He's very special, this one.
I think so, too. Oh, I could tell you some stories about him. Oh, she's just being silly. Nice to meet you all. Nice to meet you. Hey, do you guys want some more, uh, wine? Mas vino por la mama, si. Hey, you did good, Greg. She's very pretty, this one, huh? Yeah, she's, uh, she's really great. Can you believe it's been years? So many wonderful memories from those days. Yes, lot of wonderful, kind of private memories. Um, no, I don't think I did.
I don't, I think, I don't think it ever came up on my end. Not that I didn't want her to know. It just, never really Yeah, and not that, I-- I mean, not that it wasn't great. It was really, you know, for me it was like And you were so helpful and-- and-- Don't you worry, baby. Your secret's safe with me. But, good, yeah, maybe if we keep it quiet this weekend and then Because, yeah, I don't want Pam to feel uncomfortable. And then later, when it's the proper, you know, setting, I can Okay, yeah, okay, good.
Oh, and fondue, fondue is going-- is goin' over. Gay, you're just in time to hear me tell the gang how you lost your virginity to Isabel. You s-slept with Isabel?
Why-- why would you, why-- why would you bring that up? It was, what, years ago. Honey, your father thought that it'd be fun to share stories about our first time. That sounds like fun. Come on, tell us how you popped your cherry. I really don't feel comfortable discussing that with you, Bernard. I suggest that we get back to talking about the wedding.
Mom, didn't you just take Little Jack back to the room? I'm monitoring him from a high-powered multidirectional microphone planted in his crib.
Whatever happened to a little thing called privacy? Bernie, surveillance technology has helped protect a lot of the freedoms that we as Americans take advantage of today. It has been good. S- son, that is bullcrap in a chef's salad. The Central Lack of Intelligence Agency. I think that baby might need a couple of pulls on that knocker of yours, Jack. You let him cry it out. This way he doesn't depend on coddling. On the other hand, the Continuum Concept shows that a baby benefits more from constant physical contact.
We use the Ferber Method. We used the Focker Method. We hugged and kissed that little prince like there was no tomorrow. Greggy practically slept in our bed till he was. Oh, I don't think it was quite that long. Mom, I don't think so. I didn't sleep in their bed all that time. Bernie, get the photo album. I'm one step ahead of you. No, no, no, we're eating dinner, come on. These are the curls from his first trip to the barbershop. Nobody wants to see this. Oh, and you kept all of his baby teeth.
Look at his darling little teeth, isn't that sweet? Uh-oh, somebody looks very grumpy there. Oh, that's Gay with the mohel. He's the man who snips the baby's little winkydink. See, that's Greg getting circumcised, right here.
We had the ceremony at my parents' house but there was a cold snap and The heater conked out. No matter how hard he tried, the mohel couldn't coax Greg's tiny little turtle from its shell. Let's not talk about the tiny turtle, okay? Honey, half the people at this table have penises. Make a long story short, Jack, he wound up with a semicirc. I can't wait to hear this. It's a cross between an ant eater and-- A German Army helmet.
You wanted to talk about the wedding, right? Don't tell me you kept his umbilical cord. Of course not, that's Greg's foreskin. All right, you know what? That's-- that's enough humiliation. No, I'm not having fun. Why deny us our memories? Anyone in the mood for Chinese? You told me your first time was with the Danish transfer student in high school. Yeah, well, you weren't exactly forthcoming about your engagement with Kevin. Yeah, well, he wasn't my babysitter. Okay, I should have told you, all right.
Can we just let it go, please? We both got enough stuff to deal with this weekend. How do you mean? I know that you are studying my family like the frozen caveman. So, I just, I don't want you to be worried, okay? I mean, they're a little quirky, but they-they're well-intentioned and-- and I think they're just nervous and Greg, I am sure tomorrow will be a better day. I thought you ordered room service.
Are you sure you don't want any whipped cream with your sundae? I'm Chad, the bellhop. Oh, no, come on, we did that last week. Can't you be Sam the carpet-cleaning man? Why would a carpet cleaner have whipped cream? I'm here to clean your carpet.
Do you mind if I put some foam down on your rug?