Meet the Fockers - Wikiquote
Meet the Fockers Quotes. Jack Byrnes: You gonna bother me about a steak?! Isabel: So many wonderful memories from those days. Meet the Fockers, sometimes referred to as Meet the Parents 2, is a American comedy Jack later takes the RV to Isabel's year-old son, Jorge, to fix the toilet, but is disturbed by . Wikiquote has quotations related to: Meet the Fockers Help · About Wikipedia · Community portal · Recent changes · Contact page. Meet The Fockers Script taken from a transcript of the screenplay and/or the Ben Stiller movie. Finally, the Meet The Fockers script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Dad, I told you six months ago you have to change that message. .. Hi, Isabel. Mucho gusto. And this is Pam Byrnes, my fiancée. Encantada.
The meet gets off to a bad start when a chase between the Fockers' sexually active dog, Moses, and the Byrnes's cat, Jinx, culminates with Jinx flushing Moses down the RV's toiletforcing Bernie to destroy it to save Moses.
Later, Bernie accidentally injures Jack's back during a game of football. Meanwhile, Pam informs Greg that she's pregnant, and the two decide to keep it secret from Jack. Jack again becomes suspicious of Greg's character when they are introduced to the Fockers' housekeeper, Isabel Villalobos, with whom Bernie reveals Greg had a sexual affair fifteen years before.
Jack later takes the RV to Isabel's year-old son, Jorge, to fix the toilet, but is disturbed by Jorge's striking resemblance to Greg, and the fact that Jorge never met his father, and jumps to the conclusion that he might be Greg's son with Isabel.
Growing envious of Bernie and Roz's active sex life, Dina consults Roz on sex tips in order to seduce Jack, but none of them works. Greg and Jack's relationship is again put to the test when Greg is left alone to babysit Little Jack, whom Jack has been raising via the Ferber method. Despite Jack's strict instructions to leave Little Jack to self-soothe, Greg is unable to stand listening to Little Jack's cries and tends to the boy to cheer him up by hugging him, putting Elmo's World on TVand acting funny, but inadvertently teaches him the word "asshole.
After a furious argument with the Fockers and his own family though amends are quickly madeJack resumes his spying on Greg and sends Greg and Jorge's hair samples for a DNA test, while inviting Jorge to the Fockers' planned engagement party in the hope of getting Greg to admit he is Jorge's father.
At the engagement party, Jack, who automatically assumes that Greg knew about Jorge and has deliberately been keeping him a secret from Pam, introduces Greg to Jorge. It was Barry Poppins. What kind of a sick cocktail were you going to make my grandson? Jack, the baby's teething. I told Greg to give him some rum to ease the pain. It was your idea? What is wrong with you people?! I used to rub bourbon on Denny's gums. Look what happened to him.
Greg, you couldn't follow a simple set of instructions? Jack, he was screaming. So I went in and I gave him a little attention. He's learning to self-soothe. These setbacks are disastrous for his development. The child is adorable, but you're not raising Little Buddha over here. What are you saying? I'm saying that I have seen that kid eat at least 15 boogers since he's been here.
And I've got news for you, Jack. Prodigies don't eat their own boogers. And I have news for you. Prodigies don't come in 10th place every time either. It's just that I've never seen people celebrate mediocrity the way you do. Because we love our son? We hug our son? Miss, you've to stay calm and take deep breaths, okay? Myra, I need a doctor here right now. I am working on it. You're not a doctor? No, I am a nurse.
You are man and you are nurse? What kind of man is nurse? Look, folks, I'm a professional, okay? I know exactly what I'm doing, so just trust me, everything's going to be fine, all right? Hey, I need that doctor right now. There are no free doctors. Nurse, you're gonna have to deliver that baby yourself.
I can see the head! We had a boy. You are my hero. I name baby for you. You don't have to do that. It is Latvian tradition. We'll name the baby Hello, you've reached the Fockers. We're not around, so leave us a message. Roz, how the hell do you shut this thing off? I have no idea. Just press a button. I'm pretty sure it's off.
Honey, you want a chimichanga? I thought they gave you gas. A little bit, but it's worth it. Worth it for you, but I'm the one that gets the fumes. Honey, I'm in the mood for a chimichanga. So make a-- Hi, guys, it's me. Dad, I told you six months ago you have to change that message. Anyway, I'm just calling to double check 'cause I didn't hear back from you.
You know that Pam and I are flying out to Oyster Bay today. And, then, we're flying to Miami tomorrow with the Byrneses. And our flight gets in: So just give me a call back on my cell, okay? I Love you, bye.
How was your shift? I delivered my first baby. Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you. I mean, just-- Just to be pulling this Life force out of this woman's You know, I mean, it was just so-- It was The whole baby thing is-- It's so cool.
So, uh, are you ready to go? I want to get to the airport early. Just give me a second. You know how things always goes wrong. The flight leaves in four hours. I wish we could set a wedding date without our parents actually having to meet.
Honey, this weekend is gonna be fine. And your parents are great. Oh, they're great in small doses. Well, hours in Coconut Grove is a small dose. Besides, you've already won over my dad, and that is the hard part. I mean, I am still in the Byrnes family circle of trust, right?
You're firmly in the circle. Going to the airport? You two, you're up. Well, they overbooked coach.
Meet the Fockers - Wikipedia
So what does that mean? Do we miss our flight or Well, we are gonna have to upgrade you to first class. Sir, why don't you let me take that for you? So, uh, you wanna check it or put it on another flight 'cause that's cool, whatever you want to do. I'm just gonna store it in the Captain's closet. Would you like to purchase rental insurance, Mr. That's how they make all their money. You don't need it. Get out of here.
The House of Byrnes. Lot of good memories here. I am watching you. Well, almost, but you have to do it with two fingers. One on each eye like this: We'll get back to that later. I see a Nobel Prize in your future. Shortstack, shortstack coming up! Put some syrup in the cup.
Pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa. That's how it goes, right? Nice to see you. Nice to see you, Grandpa. How did my nephew get so big? You look just like your mommy. He does, doesn't he? Remember we talked about him? The card only comes in one gender. Now, that's-- that's all right. He's taking you in. He has a very keen sense for people, Greg. He's a chip off the old block, huh? We might have another CIA man on our hands here. I'd be discreet about my profession, Greg, if I were you.
You know what I mean? As far as your parents are concerned, I'm still a horticulturist. Hey, why is Little Jack here? Are Deb and Bob house-sitting, while we're in Florida? No, they're in Ko Saimii, Thailand. Checking on the clinic they opened during their honeymoon. What is all this stuff, anyway?
After Denny was sent away to military school, your father turned this into a learning laboratory for you-know-who over there. And do you talk yet, Mr. Talk to him like an adult. Just try to understand he's a little person. His communication skills aren't verbal yet, but he understands. I've heard about this, this baby signing stuff. This is like cutting edge. Well, at this age, Greg, his mind is like a sponge. Look, when he reaches your age, for example, his mind will be far less capable of absorbing useful information.
Hey, can I hold him? Oh, I-- I don't think that's such a good idea, Greg. All right, all right. Greg will not drop you, okay? I think he likes me. He's absorbing you like a sponge. I don't want the first word out of his mouth to be a profanity. It's cool that your dad is so into being a grandparent. Yeah, I guess so. It kinda freaks my mom out. She says he spends every last second with that kid. Daddy, what is this thing?
It's a custom-designed, climate-controlled motor coach. Jack calls it the Highlight of our Twilight. Well, in these uncertain times, Greg, I opted for a Kevlar-reinforced hull with two-inch thick plexiglas windows, just like the ones they design on the Russian Widowmaker submarines. I want you to conduct a field test for us, Greg. I want you to demonstrate the impregnable outer skin of the coach. Throw it at the window. Jack, I'm not gonna-- I'm not gonna throw a brick at your window.
It's a simple demonstration. No, I'd-- I'd really rather not. Don't worry, your rental insurance should take care of it. Come on, we'll call a tow truck from the road. We're driving this to Miami. I thought we were-- I thought we were, we're flying tomorrow. Airline travel being what it is these days, so unreliable, I'll feel much more comfortable knowing I have my own Posturepedic bed, my own thermostat, my own lavatory facility.
So-- so we're all going to be in this together? We hit the road in exactly seven minutes, seconds. This way we'll get in early, spend an extra half day with your parents, getting to know them. Worth it for you but I'm the one that gets the fumes. So make a-- Hey, guys, uh, it's me. Listen, I'm getting a little worried. I haven't heard back from you. Hope you got the message.
Meet the Fockers Quotes
There's been a little change of plans. We're gonna be, uh, coming down in Jack's RV now, so we'll be arriving tomorrow afternoon, not tomorrow night.
And, also, uh, they're bringing their little grandson, so, uh, he's like a baby. Oh, welcome aboard, me hearties. Hey, this is incredible. Yes, it's as big as our apartment.
Jinx finally learned how to flush the toilet, huh? Jack installed a special flusher, and he learnt how to do that in about two days.
Ready to hit the road, Co-Captain? Let's set sail, sailor. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is Captain Jack Byrnes speaking. As a courtesy to your fellow passengers, please remember that the onboard lavatory should be used for number one only. Should the need for number two arise, we'll stop at the nearest rest stop, gas station, or heavily wooded area. I like that thing. Hey, do you mind if I, uh, make a little announcement?
Only the captain gets to make an announcement. You want to honk the horn? Only the captain gets to honk the horn. Hey, Jinxy, see that? Do you want some milk? Oh, she wants you to honk the horn. Rules of the road. She honks, you honk. Give her a honk. It's like a team or something. So make a-- Hey, there. No hard feelings, all right? Now, wait a minute. What does this mean? I know what this means. You got to poop, right? Thank you for warning me.
Just let it come out. What did you do, Focker? I think he has to poop. That's not the sign for poop. That's the sign for milk. This is the sign for poop. What's the sign for sour milk? That's because it's from Debbie's left breast, Greg. Fortunately, she pumped for a week to give us enough for the trip. Okay, snack pack for Little Jack. What are you doing there? Well, during the breastfeeding stage, Greg, infants can get very confused and upset when they're separated from their mothers.
So I invented something to ease L. I call it the Mannary Gland. I had it made from an exact cast of Debbie's left bosom. It's been so effective, I'm thinking of getting it patented. Would you like to touch it? Oh, come on, feel how soft it is.
I can-- I can see how soft it is from here. No, feel it, Greg. It's very-- It looks very-- Just feel the breast, Greg. Oh, watch the nipple. It's got a great, lifelike, and a Or what I would imagine Debbie's breast might-- might actually feel like. Not that I would know. Honey, you promised you wouldn't take the boob out in front of company. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Breast-feeding is perfectly natural. Dad, that's not natural, that's just weird. As soon as Little Jack's topped off, we're gonna hit the road. Oh, Jack, you can't drive any more tonight.
Monroe said no aggravating your sciatica. Honey, we're on a very precise schedule. We bunk here tonight, we hit horrendous traffic in the morning. Maybe you could drive the night shift. I could do that. I am the Co-Captain. So, I think that falls under my responsibilities, right?
Keep her at stay alert. I've been wanting to get behind the wheel of this big boy. Sorry, got to go. Would you like some company, Greg? If you can't sleep. How about a cappuccino? Oh, you don't have to do that. It's no problem for me. Wake up and make Greg a cappuccino! Shake a leg, woman! Jesus, Jack, you know, I'm not that tired. This cockpit's completely soundproofed. You should've seen the look on your face. That was-- That was a good one.
But you should never talk to a woman like that, you know that, Greg. Greg, a man reaches a certain age when he realizes what's truly important. You know what that is? Now, my grandson, Little Jack, is part of that legacy. In six months, you and Pam are gonna be married. Sometime after that, you'll want to start a family of your own. Actually, on the subject, I had some thoughts about the wedding date.
We'll discuss that later, after this weekend, Greg. Now, let's get back on point. Let me put it very simply. If your family circle does indeed join my family circle, they'll form a chain. I can't have a chink in my chain. I get the metaphor. Now, I've never met your parents, so I'm not going to jump to any hasty conclusions.
But, like studying a frozen caveman, if I can see where you came from, I'll have a much better idea of where you're going. A- are you thinking maybe my parents might be like-- like a chink in the chain or A doctor and a lawyer, what's there to worry about? Ooh, it seems very nice. Is that your father? That is my father. What the heck is that contraption? I thought you guys were flying in tonight.
I left a message yesterday We were driving-- Oh, I didn't get a message. I left you like five messages. Will you get over here and plant one on me. I've been waiting so long to see you. Good to see you. Oh, I missed you. Is this not the most handsome young man you've ever seen in your life? I used to call him a young Jewish Marlon Brando. Can you believe I conceived him with one testicle?
I only have one because the other never dropped. It's called an undescending testicle. It's not uncommon, but look at him. Imagine what he would have looked like if I had two. That's a good icebreaker.
There's the sexiest second grade teacher I've ever seen in my life. That was a good one. It gets her every time. It's so nice to meet you. The pleasure is all mine, mon cheri. You got to be the flower man. Jack Byrnes, Pam's father. And I'm Bernard Focker, Gaylord's father, and we're all grownups here and we shake hands like men. Oh, we're just playing here.
Give me some love. What're you so shy about? Look at those pecs. You're harder than sheetrock. Now tell me the truth. You work out with weights, right? Well, I do various callisthenics. Some medicine-ball training, I play bimonthly football. I was just, uh, practicing my Capoeira. The Brazilian martial art of dance fighting. He knows what that is. You know, I've been doing it for weeks. I'm really into it.
It keeps me level. Because sometimes I get wound up so tight, I could just snap.
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Is there a baby on board? It was all in the message. Hey, Moses, go ahead, say hello to your future in-laws. No, no, he's harmless. Just shake him off. He likes the shaking. The pink part didn't get on you. Moses, go, get in your basket. Who's this little guy?
This is our grandson, Little Jack. How are you, Little Jack?
Hey, Dad, don't-- don't-- don't infantilize him. Just talk to him like a person.
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What are you talking about? I want to talk to him like he's a baby. When Roz's dad died, I said: Dad, you continue the tour. I'm gonna tell Mom we're here, okay?
The upstairs bathroom is on el fritzo. So we're all gonna have to share this one for now. Since there's a water scarcity on the island, we kind of abide by the ''if it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down'' policy. Forgot my own rule. The RV has paid for itself already.