7 Ways Facebook Can Ruin Your Relationship | HuffPost Life
Don't let social media be a third party in your relationship. media usage: Why did posting family pictures at the zoo feel important to Thomas?. Thinking about making your new relationship official on Facebook? more likely to feel committed to the relationship than people who don't declare status on Facebook as an important step in a serious relationship, then it. Learn how traits that don't fit our traditional narrative of what love should in my relationship is more important to me than feeling good all of the time. . That's not going to change because of our Facebook relationship status.
My clients Rick and Sarah were married for 10 years. They recently divorced and Rick is now married to Lynne. She wondered if she'd ever belong in this new family.
He tried to comfort Lynne -- of course his family loves her, but they'd known Sarah for years. Lynne felt insecure in this community and mad at Rick for sticking up for Sarah. So Rick reached out to his family and friends.
There are no easy answers here, but I would invite all of the players to identify the tension and connect with the feelings stirred up as they sit with the dilemma. Friend requests from old flames can lead to affairs.
She accepted a friend request on Facebook from an old love, Joe, thinking it would be harmless fun to catch up with him and see what was going on in his life. Amy started messaging him through Facebook and the more they talked, the more they also began to flirt. Flirting made her feel special and a little reckless, two things that were missing from her predictable marriage.
It started off harmless enough, but over time, it started to get more and more serious.
Finally Amy decided to meet up with Joe for a drink. That bad decision led to another -- to sleep with him. She instantly regretted what she had done and went home wracked by guilt and shame. Should she tell her husband? Amy decided against it, thinking it would be a one-time thing. However, the next day she was back on Facebook, messaging Joe and planning the next time they'd see each other.
Each time she did it, she felt more and more guilty. Eventually Amy's husband found out about the affair and they were forced to have a long talk about what to do about their marriage and future together.
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As this example shows, in a marriage, you have to keep connected with your partner and limit your flirting -— especially with your exes -- on messaging apps or social media sites like Facebook. Doing so will reduce unnecessary temptation.
And after infidelity, the site makes affair recovery even more challenging. And the willingness to do that allows us to establish the necessary boundaries to help ourselves and our partner grow together.
We have no reason to work on ourselves and grow because our partner has to be there no matter what. It invites stagnation and stagnation equals misery.
Feeling Attraction for People Outside the Relationship Our cultural scripts for romance includes this sort of mental tyranny, where any mildly emotional or sexual thought not involving your partner amounts to high treason.
Once we get past the honeymoon phase of starry eyes and oxytocin, the novelty of our partner wears off a bit. And unfortunately, human sexuality is partially wired around novelty. Most of us, most of the time, choose to not act on those thoughts.
And like waves, they pass through us and leave us with our partner very much the same way how they found us. This triggers a lot of guilt in some people and a lot of irrational jealousy in others. And if someone flirts with us and we enjoy it, or if we catch ourselves having an occasional errant sexy-time fantasy, there must be something wrong with us or our relationship.
When you suppress these feelings, you give them power over you, you let them dictate your behavior for you suppression rather than dictating your behavior for yourself feeling them and yet choosing not to do anything. People who suppress these urges are the ones who are likely to eventually succumb to them and give in and suddenly find themselves screwing the secretary in the broom closet and having no idea how they got there and come to deeply regret it about twenty-two seconds afterward.
People who suppress these urges are the ones who are likely to wake up one day disgruntled and frustrated with no conscious understanding of why, wondering where all of the days went and remember how in love we used to be?
Looking at attractive people is enjoyable. Speaking to attractive people is enjoyable. Thinking about attractive people is enjoyable. And when you dampen these impulses towards other people, you dampen them towards your partner as well. When I meet a beautiful woman now, I enjoy it, as any man would.
7 Ways Facebook Can Ruin Your Relationship
I see in the attractive women everything my girlfriend has and most women lack. And while I appreciate the attention or even flirtation, the experience only strengthens my commitment. But real intimacy is not.Why You Don't Feel Good Enough
When we commit to a person, we are not committing our thoughts, feelings or perceptions. What we control are our actions. And what we commit to that special person are our actions. Let everything else come and go, as it inevitably will.
Spending Time Apart You see it all the time: We all have that friend who mysteriously ceased to exist as soon as they got into their relationship. When we fall in love we develop irrational beliefs and desires. The problem only arises when this actually happens.
The problem with allowing your identity to be consumed by a romantic relationship is that as you change to be closer to the person you love, you cease to be the person they fell in love with in the first place.
Have some separate friends. Take an occasional trip somewhere by yourself. Remember what made you you and what drew you to your partner in the first place. Without this space, without this oxygen to breathe, the fire between the two of you will die out and what were once sparks will become only friction.
I love this observation and believe it applies to not just womanizers, but just about anyone who consistently finds themselves in dysfunctional relationships. Or they delude themselves into thinking that their partner is already perfect.
This is one of those things that is not nearly as complicated as it feels. Every person has flaws and imperfections.
You must date somebody who has flaws you can live with or even appreciate. The most accurate metric for your love of somebody is how you feel about their flaws. One of the best expressions of this idea came from Plato in the form of a myth.
In his SymposiumPlato wrote that humans were originally androgynous and whole. There were no men or women. They felt no lack, no uncertainty, and they were powerful, so powerful that they rose up and challenged the gods themselves. This posed a problem for the gods.
But at the same time they had to do something to humble and distract humanity. So Zeus split them in half. He split each human into a man and a woman and doomed them to spend their brief mortal existence wandering the world looking for their other half, the half that would make them feel whole and powerful again.